We've all seen horror movies at any one point of our lives. There are moments when we are terrified, and there are moments when we silently (yet furiously) yell at the characters when they're in danger or when they're doing something foolish. Whether we are frightened or not, the outcome of nearly every horror movie can be easily predicted. Don't agree with me? Then read these 8 essential horror movie cliches and then you will.






1) The Characters: If it's slashers, then it's chicks with big tits (and zero common sense) and the smart guy, the smart guy's (maybe replaced with a nerdy, stupid, bespectacled teen) bully friends who just screw the big titted girls and a lonely heroine (who doesn't laid for the obvious reason that she's pious and that she doesn't have an appreciable bust size) who thinks differently and is considered to be the nerd but in the end solves the mystery and kissed the smart/nerd guy in the end (the rest of the cast is dead by then)


If it's not a slasher, then it has a lead character who is just managing to get over some serious emotional trauma and his companion who tries to soothe this guys soul but in the end only manages to do an acid spray.


Then there's this super smart, uber cool, fatherly police officer whose brain is smaller than the bullets in his gun (which won't work when the villain is around) and always goes in and out of the story, shouting things and arriving only when the characters die but does not do anything about it, but when the lead character deduces zeroes on a villain (and kills him) the police officer comes and fills in the remaining gaps in the story (which's usually to bad script writing and glaring plot holes resulted out of a edit when you like story) and then consoles the lead character (i.e. villain killer)


The ugly/sinister/amputated guy who is suspected by everyone but then he saves the lead character (and gets killed) thereby setting the climax for the movie.


And then we have the villain, who's sinister, bad, mad, sad about something and well he just kills everyone except the lead character.


2) The Setting: The story is set at a place where the villain has some connection with (usually a bad one) and also at that place there's perpetual darkness, no signal and not a soul in sight. Usually great care is taken to see that the setting is as claustrophobic as possible, to up the tension (and reduce the budget, something like two birds, one stone)


3) The Happening: If it's a slasher then all but the "special" characters have sex and they're killed.
Otherwise, something mysterious happens like the sky farts or the wind whistles and the lead pair are scared and one of them dies.
It's then the remaining cast sees the ugly/amputated/sinister looking guy and start blaming him for the murder.


4) The Roaming: As the name indicates, the characters just roam, with a few cheap scares like a crow cawing, a skull falling down from nowhere, a character suddenly putting his hand around another character's shoulder (interspersed with loud, shattering music) or the best of them all they see a apparition or some bullshit. They do nothing, except talk about how good the tits of the chick in the previous killing were and blah blah blah blah.
At the same time, the police officer/detective/or some fuck who is concerned about the characters, roams about in the search of them.


5) The Torture: The golden rule for any horror movie is that, whenever there's something sharp like a needle, a pen, a knife, a piece of wood, a mad person's finger (in fact a penis also counts in here, a recent movie used this technique) is lying around without any purpose and if you haven't been scared (or repelled) for fifteen minutes or so, then expect those things to simply (and preferably) go into the eyes of one of the characters. Or small adjustments can be made, where the eyes are replaced with tits, genitals, neck, tongue in that order.
With the advent of torture porn as mainstream horror, except some chopping, head baking, amputations, and stuff like that. It's like an anatomy class, as simple as it sounds.


6) The Silence: As another character is finished off and by this time the population in the movie comes to down to a mere 20% of the initial (with lead characters escaping death and getting hurt) and there's lots of silence + plus blood + cleavage and callous music is played in repetitive cycles.
The police officer/detective/or some fuck who is concerned about the characters, still roams about, smoking (with the brand name prominently visible).


7) The Revelation: Till now none of the characters have any idea about the killer/happenings. They roam and roam and roam and still nothing happens and suddenly the
smart guy/nerdy girl (who haven't got any sex scenes in the movie) have a revelation about who the killer can be and hey presto! the devilishly intelligent villain decides to finish them all and directly confronts the group the very next moment (the actual identity of the villain isn't known as the smart guy/nerdy girl don't tell it anyone). Now very interesting chases are shown with fast camera moments, wherein the characters take very interesting decisions like, jumping off buildings, and running deeper into the villains lair (even when there's an easy exit route nearby). Here the remaining characters are killed except the lead characters.
(Somewhere here, one of the characters manages to 'kill' the villain, but then he/she just don't make sure whether the villain is dead or not, he/she simply walks away)


8) The Climax: The lead characters walk off in a sign of visible relief promising themselves something good (usually sex) when they go home and start thinking of the good things and become oblivious to the world and the surroundings. And then when they're about to kiss/hug/pee, the villain returns to life and attacks this time with double the ferocity. Now there is a lot of hide and seek, try and cry, huddling and puddling. Then, one of the lead character get hurt, the other gets insanely angry and just "BAM", the villain drops dead. With "BAM" it means anything which has a surface and which can cause a lot of impact has been forced onto the villains head. If the villains identity isn't known, then the characters will know and if it is already known they just sit together wondering "WTF?", meanwhile a few flashbacks of the villains monstrosity are shown (Usually, 7 times our of 10, the villain is usually the character's most trustworthy aide).


Then the police officer/detective/or some fuck who is concerned about the characters, come into the picture, throwing more light about the villains villainy, stares at the heroine and cracks a stupid joke and then says "All of this is an experience, things like this happen everyday. Come home let's have some beer and talk about it" kind of stuff and all of them leave together.




THE END.


Well, end of the story, not of this post. If it's a supernatural thriller, then the villain is an alien/slash some scientist who goes bad for some good reason.
If it's about ghosts/vampires/werewolves, then one of the lead characters gets infected (by the werewolves/vampires) and the remaining characters decide to take him along only to be refused by the infected guy, who sacrifices his shit and asks them to be left behind.


Then there's the "I'm the whole movie" kind of horror movies, wherein the central character imagines situations and starts killing everybody.


If the villain doesn't die or the characters don't come to an mutual agreement, then,


9) See the (bad) sequel.






And if still there's more room left for thought, it means,


10) As you've seen the first movie, see ALL the (bull fucking) sequels.






Note: The above rules don't apply to Indian horror movies/Zombie movies (where everyone becomes a zombie in the end). And for Indian movies, Start with step 1,2,3 and repeat step 4 twenty times, insert a cabaret song, lots of fake looking fake blood, hysterical shouting and then jump back to step 8. Here, the villain essentially dies. (And usually nearly all Indian horror movies are the mashed up versions of "The Exorcist" and the J-Horror movies)


Hope you enjoyed the movie clichés :)
If you like 'em just share the post around.


To read about the "Scariest movie scenes of all time" click here.

P.S.: My blog's now officially three years old, thanks to everyone for making it what it is now.